Pregnant stripper...not hot.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
