I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
