I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
