So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
