3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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