the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
How does one acquire holy water?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
