I looked at my own cervix.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
