so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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