Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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