im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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