Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
