oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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