i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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