o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
PS: I just woke up from my shower
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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