I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
