Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I will be naked everywhere
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
