On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
