Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
