I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
