Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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