I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
