There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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