so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
