my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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