your thong is hanging out like whoa
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
