I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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