Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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