DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
