Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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