Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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