I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
