Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
