If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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