Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
