Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
