I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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