Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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