i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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