you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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