i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
