If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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