Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
