he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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