He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
