Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
