my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
