I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
