Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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