i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
