You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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