He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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