Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
