Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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