omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
