you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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